The Offenders, vol. 1: Secret Origins

In case any of you ever wondered what the writing of a Wright offspring might be like, here is an excerpt from the Elf King's write up for what we at the Wright Household call "Steve Johnson's Non-existant Next Mystery Man Game, or "The Nonexistant Game" for short.

This is the part of the origin story for Squir-El, Squirrel of Krypton!


The Offenders vol.1:

Secret Origins!

On a TV in a farmhouse somewhere in Champion City, a news report is playing, a news report that could change the fate of the world…and the moon!  

 “Hello, I’m Lois Lie of the TV division of the Daily Fib. Today, I am on the moon to introduce Neo Champion City, the city with a spacesuit, of the 61st State, Space Delaware. This is the 7th city of Space Delaware, other cities include Old Zealand, Space Brooklyn, Et Desertum, and Spaceland. Neo Champion City was created in case something happed to Champion City, like what has happed in the past, 5 times. President Norcross had this to say, ‘If you like your city, you can keep your city.’

“And normally I would believe him. but Champion City has so much super crime that all The Daily Champion super reposts is crime, and it don’t even get to all the superpowered  menaces. Chief  justice, world’s most Focused hero had this to say…”

“’World’s most Focused hero’ yeah right,” thought Slark Sent, mild mannered squirrel “I’m pretty Focused, too… Hay it’s a walnut, I should go bury it. Wait, something else was buried, Professor Menace’s lab! Professor Menace has his brain in a jar. Brain, like Brainiac, he has a force field, like Sue Storm, like Johnny Storm, like fire, like ice, like the North Pole, like Santa Clause, like cookies!” Slark gasped. “I’m hungry!”

Then Slark walked to the kitchen and got a bag of walnut that Ma and Pa Sent (the humans who took Slark in and raised him as a pet/son) kept in a cabinet for Slark when he concluded that he was hungry. But he forgot that he was hungry and started trying to bury the walnuts. But he then remembered Professor Menace and again came to the conclusion of cookies and ate a walnut.

By the time Slark finally meandered into the living room (where the TV was) the report on Neo Champion City was ending and a new report was beginning. “Hello, I am Boris Von Gloryhound of the TV division of the Daily Fib,” said the anchor of channel –42 (also know as the News Channel, All Lies All The Time) “And there’s a new hero in the city and his name is: Sir Spoonsalot!”

Well, as you can’t guess, Slark was furious!